Taking Back "Manning Up"

A Brief Intro

Sometimes I write when I'm angry. Those journal entries and blog posts usually stick out and the tone often hurts my arguments. After all, why would someone affected by something as sensitive as, say, abortion want to read something by an angry young man? On the other hand, sometimes I find it necessary to write when I'm mad. When I'm so passionate about something that I can't hold it back any longer, I find no other choice than to say exactly what I feel. This is one of those posts.

Manning Up

I've always found the modern use of this phrase to be insulting. In the case of my uncle who first used it, at a time when I was 12, he was deeply interested in me growing into a responsible man. He had nothing but positive motivations, though I recall he was quite pissed at the time he said it. He overcame his obvious anger at the time and, as a role model, tried to improve me. Since then I worked on being assertive, while admitting when I was wrong, making eye contact, and keeping my hands out of my pockets. I hated the phrase then because he was right, which was an obvious turning point in my life. Now I hate how people self-righteously and incorrectly use it today.

Despite my personal demons, I can recall being told to "man up" various times, but I'll use examples of my senior year of high school. I was told to man up to lying about a workout sheet, except I wasn't lying; the man accusing me couldn't man up to his inflexible schedule and the dangers it brought in lifting, God rest his soul. I was told to man up to the fact that I raised my voice to a class of belligerent students despite my mentor being unable to man up and admit he had done the same thing.  That was senior year.

I was told to man up about lying about a Calculus 2 textbook and homework debacle, but I didn't lie. The professor was a woman, but she couldn't take responsibility for being unclear with what she said, let alone how she applied that standard unfairly. I was told to man up to my crippling social anxiety, which I'd later find out to be clinical depression. It was an impossible situation, yet I was emasculated for it. I was told to man up and "formally" ask out a girl who said she had no interest. That was freshman year of college.

I was told to man up and explain why I was getting bad grades, even though my health was obviously crap while I struggled to maintain a 110 pound body weight, which would drop to about 100 (I'm now still 5'7", but 150ish pounds when causally working out).  I was told to man up about not going to class with a particular individual, except that individual had campus safety watching me without my knowledge. Even once I knew, I was told to man up and go anyway, despite the personal danger due to the incredibly strict harassment codes at that university. That was sophomore year of college.

I was told to man up and apologize for being smart. For being critical. For being unwilling to needlessly confront people. For even being angry. For situations I couldn't control. For yes, having feelings and having them hurt. I was made to apologize for my reactions. Rather than being taught not to have pride, vent anger on others, and how some situations weren't as hopeless as I thought, I was emasculated. Why are these things "manning up?" Does it even resemble the phrase as originally used?

The Point

"Manning up" used to be something tough, necessary, and good. When my uncle used it, he did so to make me see my weakness, accept it, overcome it, and move forward. Now it's used to emasculate men, making them into doormats. You refused to try to control a hopeless situation? You weren't aggressive despite your personality? You didn't "man up!" You didn't take that woman home because it would violate your integrity? "Man up!" 

Absurd! These aren't qualities of "manning up!" Just today I was told to "man up" and "own" my feelings about a particularly painful memory. I didn't find a joke funny as a result of this memory. I didn't flip out; I respectfully explained why I responded the way I did. "Man up?" What about respect? That's something the men in my life taught me growing up. It was missed by the person in question. Men respect others by letting them function, as long as it's fulfilling the original meaning of manning up: taking care of business with integrity, owning mistakes, and treating others with respect, even when their ways are different.

My grandpa respected how emotional I was despite his generation seeing being emotional as not masculine. For him to act completely counter to his entire upbringing is a massive show of respect. My uncle (different one from earlier) would make fun of my brother and I and we'd carry on. Once, I said "Yeah, I am a wuss," his favorite term, "the guys at school are saying I don't act right." My uncle turned really serious and told me to have self-respect and stop giving a crap what those guys thought; to him, having self-respect was "manning up," not bowing to the crowd . My dad told me to only get into relationships I was comfortable with. No "manning up" and chasing a woman to get a girlfriend just for the sake of it. Notice how that term, "getting a girlfriend," is possessive? It's based on insecurity, not masculinity. True men earn a woman's trust and affection. Notice how "manning up" contrasts with the manning up of these men being respectful, yet sticking to their guns. They didn't compromise themselves, but they built me up through their use of the term.

Conclusion

I've put a lot of personal detail into this post. The integrity of this post depends on my vulnerability and letting go of ego and pride. My sincerity is reflected through my obvious anger at the misuse of this phrase and how it excludes guys who aren't archetypical. The effectiveness of this post relies on the willingness of people to let go of the modern use of the term and to see it's original use. It's time for men to start acting with integrity and doing the right thing for the sake of it, not to fill society's view of a man. It's time for self-assessment to see if we're doing the right thing and owning our mistakes so we can improve as men. It's time to truly man up and stick to our guns, not society's.